I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
