why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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