I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
