Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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