So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
