You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
