Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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