This is not my ceiling
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
