WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
