Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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