Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
