We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
