I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
