Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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