i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
