just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Randomize
