I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
