I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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