ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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