Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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