you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
