i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
