you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
