my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
