The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sarcasm needs its own font
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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