My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
