alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
