3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
