I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize