Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
