I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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