i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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