So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
