Pappa wants mamma naked
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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