Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
