I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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