I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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