I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
