I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
