when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize