dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
