You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
