I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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