Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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