WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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