Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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