as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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