Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
