An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
