would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
