who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
