my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
