why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
