My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
