I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
