some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
