i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
