She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
